'I don't know what to say'.
'I'll just say the wrong thing'.
'What can you say in this situation?'
'I can't find the words'.
'I just wish I knew what to do'.
Words don't instantly come into thought at the time a baby is taken; only gut wrenching pain and confusion can fill a mouth with cries of raw, inexplicable heartbreak. What so many people start to wonder once the initial shock subsides is, 'I don't know what to say'. It comes with any loss, but there is something that hits hard when it is a baby or child that is taken. It isn't normal. It isn't what the cycle of life is about. Why out of all the millions of children born, mine?
Finding any words to even acknowledge this feels an impossible task, because lets face it, what the hell can you say that will remotely take away that wrench? Words of comfort can't touch the emotional pain a parent is feeling, but in fact whatever you feel like saying from the heart, a simple communication of comfort can build trust and stability around a grieving parent. It gives them that olive branch to know that they can detail every moment, ask questions that nobody knows an answer to and answers you don't have to give, break down, open up, close up, stare at a wall with you, hold your hand, let them sleep on your lap as they drift off from exhaustion, scream and cling to you for breath. That trust some simple words can bring allows a mum and dad to know they have no need to feel isolated at the most isolating of times. The words remind them people have patience and accept that time away from the cruelty of everyday life is most definitely needed. And if its simply saying, 'I don't know what to say, but you're always in my thoughts', then that's words. You are saying something and it means the world. It shows you are responsive of their loss, it shows you are there.
Here is an idea. I recently asked some friends to write what they were feeling to our friends at the devastating time they lost their baby. It is simply thoughts in a jar. Small cards filled with love. It will allow a couple to read your words at their own pace, it's not a text message that can be lost and it will always act a reminder they are never alone. xxx